There are a lot of things I've yet to tell you of myself. I've spoken of the events that have brought me to my darkness and my decent into hell. Many emotional turmoil moments and thoughts. Yet I wish to share upon this Christmas Eve a view into my mind and what has made me truly dark. Hopefully this will shed some light into your own lives and allow your holiday to no seem so drab.
I first recall darkness as my haven to escape to when I was hurt, emotionally or even physically. I found solace in the darkness as not many would follow me in to find out what exactly I was feeling. I was never one to share all of my feelings as those of hate and disgust were frowned upon. It was years later that I realized that it was my own mind that was the start of my imprisonment in the darkness. I found such peace there that I did not realize what I missed outside of the dark. Many mourned for my release and when I did emerge they did not recognize me as me, but as a cynical version there of. This pushed some away. This also however drew some closer. Those that were in misery themselves and looking for a form of salvation. This is why I say I found some solace in the company of whores. Women whom were not happy with the world or themselves enough that they would stoop down to my level looking for someone to show them the way, but foolishly it was my darker side they came upon.
In my darker moments I am not quite as forgiving or as merciful as I usually am. There is always a moment of malicious thought and a desire to see how far one will fall before they realize that I am not a savior but a sadist. My darker self is quite similar to I although with different intention. Sexually speaking he is unable to care or show emotion during copulation but instead thrives on screams and moans. Giving some pain and waiting for the other to beg for more. It is in these moments that he feels anything.
Now I feel I shall clarify as my darker self is not an alternate personality, but more a version of myself that not many purposely get to meet. He and I are one, but I am able to describe him as it is almost as if I am put aside. I am sure he would describe me as quite differently, but it seems that only in my darkest hours that he will emerge to bring me forth through acts of lust and mayhem. I still consider myself to be a version of darkness, but he is me dark.
- Gui Sanmanos
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