There are a lot of things I've yet to tell you of myself. I've spoken of the events that have brought me to my darkness and my decent into hell. Many emotional turmoil moments and thoughts. Yet I wish to share upon this Christmas Eve a view into my mind and what has made me truly dark. Hopefully this will shed some light into your own lives and allow your holiday to no seem so drab.
I first recall darkness as my haven to escape to when I was hurt, emotionally or even physically. I found solace in the darkness as not many would follow me in to find out what exactly I was feeling. I was never one to share all of my feelings as those of hate and disgust were frowned upon. It was years later that I realized that it was my own mind that was the start of my imprisonment in the darkness. I found such peace there that I did not realize what I missed outside of the dark. Many mourned for my release and when I did emerge they did not recognize me as me, but as a cynical version there of. This pushed some away. This also however drew some closer. Those that were in misery themselves and looking for a form of salvation. This is why I say I found some solace in the company of whores. Women whom were not happy with the world or themselves enough that they would stoop down to my level looking for someone to show them the way, but foolishly it was my darker side they came upon.
In my darker moments I am not quite as forgiving or as merciful as I usually am. There is always a moment of malicious thought and a desire to see how far one will fall before they realize that I am not a savior but a sadist. My darker self is quite similar to I although with different intention. Sexually speaking he is unable to care or show emotion during copulation but instead thrives on screams and moans. Giving some pain and waiting for the other to beg for more. It is in these moments that he feels anything.
Now I feel I shall clarify as my darker self is not an alternate personality, but more a version of myself that not many purposely get to meet. He and I are one, but I am able to describe him as it is almost as if I am put aside. I am sure he would describe me as quite differently, but it seems that only in my darkest hours that he will emerge to bring me forth through acts of lust and mayhem. I still consider myself to be a version of darkness, but he is me dark.
- Gui Sanmanos
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
12/20/13 -The Drunken Fool
I have been telling you of the darkness that befell me and the worlds I had fallen into. Today I wish to speak of the Drunken Fool. This is the tale of the woman who tore a whole into my soul just for being alive and incorporating me into her madness. (Note: Some may have taken my story so far as a hatred of women, this is not true as I do love and lust after women, I'm trying to give a visual mental image of the type of women I've come to learn to avoid. As well those whom have hurt me.)
I was at the diner like every night when I met the Drunken Fool. She was lusting after a friend of mine who had fallen for her easy ways. She was a short woman with bad teeth, but for some reason people would fall for her fake charm. I recall thinking she was a hooker or some red neck whore that was good for one thing and that was getting your dick wet. Months had passed and I saw her again and again in passing, but I lived my life and was rather content in my current discontent as the latest love in my life had called it quits and well I desired flesh and was rather like a hungry dog waiting to be fed. A conversation started at the diner regarding sex, which had my full attention when she walked in and sat by me. I was lusting after a beautiful young woman whom showed both her classy and very unclassy way of life. Something about her was intoxicating yet I met that point where I knew I could not have her. Yet far be it for me to stop trying.
As the night grew on my yearning lust grew to anticipation and near painful measures. As the pressures grew the drunken fool moved closer and closer to me. I thought nothing of it as the Diner was reaching it's late night mass and room was slowly diminishing. As the young woman I was lusting for decided to go home the conversation continued and one could see how easily I desired to get off. That is when she made her first move. She whispered in my ear about "Why chase after young things who will keep running when you can have a sure thing?" My eyes grew wide as I was not quite sure of what to think. My desire was at that point far more than my logic should have allowed, but foolishly I asked her to explain as we walked out for fresh air. She stated simply asking if I had a place we could go. My desires overcame me and as I returned inside I made clear my leaving for the night and she followed me home.
The passion was strong with me but to be honest it was mostly lust. Figuring this would be no more than a one night stand I proceeded to copulate with this fool only for it to last somewhat close to an eleven hour stint of releasing my lust. She left the following evening and was not seen for weeks. I had learned that she found another and I merrily continued on with my everyday life. Again none the wiser that she would return.
A few months later she waltzed back into my life with a beaux in hand and asked if I wished to party with them. Having nothing better to do I agreed. A few days later she asked if I'd like to go to a party with her and again I accepted. Nothing happened between us till the morning after the party. We had breakfast out and as she returned me home she broke down. Now I having been a fool myself for not being able to stand the tears of a woman asked what had happened. She informed me that her beaux had broken up with her and just needed consoling. Foolishly I tried to be a friend and this led to sex. As my room mates at the time had complained about the noise level we had she took me back to her place and this led to more sex. I should have noticed that something was amiss as she removed my box of condoms from my coat and left them at my home. As the night grew darker she continued to seduce my desires and this lead to me in desire and lust but no condom in sight. She advised she was on birth control and like a fool I believed her.
The following months I had moved due to housing issues and was miles away but still keeping touch with friends via the internet. One night I got a rather interesting message. A flaming gentleman I had once roomed with came to me with his latest bit of gossip. He advised that he had seen the drunken fool and she was with her former beaux and was with child. Intrigued I asked details that I know a man of his nature would love to know. He gave me a time line and counting back in my own head I knew what was coming next. The following evening I had received a message from the drunken fool.... asking if we could talk on the phone. She advised me that she was indeed with child and that I may be a possibility of being the father.... I was not so much shocked but rather intrigued as the word possibility was used. "How many others could it be?" I asked. Her answer was Three. I questioned further and was given the following tale:
The night of the party she claimed that lead to our further copulation she advised she had had sex earlier that day with her beaux and had been raped by the bartender of the party and then our sexual trist. I was quite in shock as she spoke nothing of this possible rape nor the sex with her former beaux. I was angry but rather entertained as well as the 33% chance was entertaining to me. I asked her to keep me up to date with the possible child that could be mine and we continued to talk on and off for the next few months. In the mean time another relationship had started in my life and I was moving forward. Until I write further.
Gui Sanmanos.
I was at the diner like every night when I met the Drunken Fool. She was lusting after a friend of mine who had fallen for her easy ways. She was a short woman with bad teeth, but for some reason people would fall for her fake charm. I recall thinking she was a hooker or some red neck whore that was good for one thing and that was getting your dick wet. Months had passed and I saw her again and again in passing, but I lived my life and was rather content in my current discontent as the latest love in my life had called it quits and well I desired flesh and was rather like a hungry dog waiting to be fed. A conversation started at the diner regarding sex, which had my full attention when she walked in and sat by me. I was lusting after a beautiful young woman whom showed both her classy and very unclassy way of life. Something about her was intoxicating yet I met that point where I knew I could not have her. Yet far be it for me to stop trying.
As the night grew on my yearning lust grew to anticipation and near painful measures. As the pressures grew the drunken fool moved closer and closer to me. I thought nothing of it as the Diner was reaching it's late night mass and room was slowly diminishing. As the young woman I was lusting for decided to go home the conversation continued and one could see how easily I desired to get off. That is when she made her first move. She whispered in my ear about "Why chase after young things who will keep running when you can have a sure thing?" My eyes grew wide as I was not quite sure of what to think. My desire was at that point far more than my logic should have allowed, but foolishly I asked her to explain as we walked out for fresh air. She stated simply asking if I had a place we could go. My desires overcame me and as I returned inside I made clear my leaving for the night and she followed me home.
The passion was strong with me but to be honest it was mostly lust. Figuring this would be no more than a one night stand I proceeded to copulate with this fool only for it to last somewhat close to an eleven hour stint of releasing my lust. She left the following evening and was not seen for weeks. I had learned that she found another and I merrily continued on with my everyday life. Again none the wiser that she would return.
A few months later she waltzed back into my life with a beaux in hand and asked if I wished to party with them. Having nothing better to do I agreed. A few days later she asked if I'd like to go to a party with her and again I accepted. Nothing happened between us till the morning after the party. We had breakfast out and as she returned me home she broke down. Now I having been a fool myself for not being able to stand the tears of a woman asked what had happened. She informed me that her beaux had broken up with her and just needed consoling. Foolishly I tried to be a friend and this led to sex. As my room mates at the time had complained about the noise level we had she took me back to her place and this led to more sex. I should have noticed that something was amiss as she removed my box of condoms from my coat and left them at my home. As the night grew darker she continued to seduce my desires and this lead to me in desire and lust but no condom in sight. She advised she was on birth control and like a fool I believed her.
The following months I had moved due to housing issues and was miles away but still keeping touch with friends via the internet. One night I got a rather interesting message. A flaming gentleman I had once roomed with came to me with his latest bit of gossip. He advised that he had seen the drunken fool and she was with her former beaux and was with child. Intrigued I asked details that I know a man of his nature would love to know. He gave me a time line and counting back in my own head I knew what was coming next. The following evening I had received a message from the drunken fool.... asking if we could talk on the phone. She advised me that she was indeed with child and that I may be a possibility of being the father.... I was not so much shocked but rather intrigued as the word possibility was used. "How many others could it be?" I asked. Her answer was Three. I questioned further and was given the following tale:
The night of the party she claimed that lead to our further copulation she advised she had had sex earlier that day with her beaux and had been raped by the bartender of the party and then our sexual trist. I was quite in shock as she spoke nothing of this possible rape nor the sex with her former beaux. I was angry but rather entertained as well as the 33% chance was entertaining to me. I asked her to keep me up to date with the possible child that could be mine and we continued to talk on and off for the next few months. In the mean time another relationship had started in my life and I was moving forward. Until I write further.
Gui Sanmanos.
Monday, December 16, 2013
The sins of the heart
Date: Undetermined
It's been a while since I've been able to express myself to this Autobiographical madness. We last spoke of my teens and my decent into hell. Like most eccentrics I have been pondering the meaning of this in contrast to the stories I am to tell you. I could say it is a form of foreshadowing what is to come or that like Dante this is my tale of the passage through what has been my inferno and that I have learned so much that I wish to share the wisdom but truly that would be a mockery of the tale in general. To continue the tale forward let us look upon my collegiate years.
I was 20 and having fell to my own passions of lust and desire decided to take a school of trade. The woman or whore of which I so lusted had left me to my own devices as she married a fool. I was now a man of pain and distortion. As I tried to fit into a society that found me distasteful. I found myself hanging out in diners and consorting with local riff raff and finding myself to be a man who stood for a principle that was quite fake. I stood for a woman's honor. At this time in my life I found myself surrounded by women whom were in that playful stage. Willing to give up their bodies but not willing to commit to being with just one man. You could call them whores but there was nothing in trade for their lust just lust.
There was one whom sought me out a smiling fool but yet someone whom seemed to understand my plights in life. I did what I could to remain elusive but found myself willing to pleasure her and leave myself wanting. She was not like the rest as she would spend her free time willingly chasing me into the shadows and corners of my home. Always hoping to find out if I'd be willing to go further. I'd say this was a bad thing, but I did so enjoy the chase that and the taste of her sex. As our lives had intertwined over the years I found myself willing to trust others as there was the chance that my soul would gain some redemption. My journal of madness filled quite quickly and she was one whom was allowed to read the pages looking for some sense of humanity left in this twisted shell.
The years had passed so quickly at that time and I found myself desiring more and more of the flesh and yet not seeking the personal pleasure that I originally stood for. As I said I had taken the role of a fool and stood for a woman's honor or to put it better I sought to stand for a woman's pleasure. I truly did not realize the detrimental cost upon my own mortality and madness that this had taken from me. Thus I found myself seeking women whom wished pleasure but leaving myself wanting a fool succumbing to their desires. This has played a large part of my psyche as I still find myself lusting but looking to please a woman before allowing myself pleasure.
- Gui Sanmanos
It's been a while since I've been able to express myself to this Autobiographical madness. We last spoke of my teens and my decent into hell. Like most eccentrics I have been pondering the meaning of this in contrast to the stories I am to tell you. I could say it is a form of foreshadowing what is to come or that like Dante this is my tale of the passage through what has been my inferno and that I have learned so much that I wish to share the wisdom but truly that would be a mockery of the tale in general. To continue the tale forward let us look upon my collegiate years.
I was 20 and having fell to my own passions of lust and desire decided to take a school of trade. The woman or whore of which I so lusted had left me to my own devices as she married a fool. I was now a man of pain and distortion. As I tried to fit into a society that found me distasteful. I found myself hanging out in diners and consorting with local riff raff and finding myself to be a man who stood for a principle that was quite fake. I stood for a woman's honor. At this time in my life I found myself surrounded by women whom were in that playful stage. Willing to give up their bodies but not willing to commit to being with just one man. You could call them whores but there was nothing in trade for their lust just lust.
There was one whom sought me out a smiling fool but yet someone whom seemed to understand my plights in life. I did what I could to remain elusive but found myself willing to pleasure her and leave myself wanting. She was not like the rest as she would spend her free time willingly chasing me into the shadows and corners of my home. Always hoping to find out if I'd be willing to go further. I'd say this was a bad thing, but I did so enjoy the chase that and the taste of her sex. As our lives had intertwined over the years I found myself willing to trust others as there was the chance that my soul would gain some redemption. My journal of madness filled quite quickly and she was one whom was allowed to read the pages looking for some sense of humanity left in this twisted shell.
The years had passed so quickly at that time and I found myself desiring more and more of the flesh and yet not seeking the personal pleasure that I originally stood for. As I said I had taken the role of a fool and stood for a woman's honor or to put it better I sought to stand for a woman's pleasure. I truly did not realize the detrimental cost upon my own mortality and madness that this had taken from me. Thus I found myself seeking women whom wished pleasure but leaving myself wanting a fool succumbing to their desires. This has played a large part of my psyche as I still find myself lusting but looking to please a woman before allowing myself pleasure.
- Gui Sanmanos
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Nov 26 2013 - A begining of Sorts
Reality and what is are sometimes askewed mirrors showing life in a different aspect. The tales you read here are based in reality some of the details have been changed but the names..... No One is Innocent. My story starts years ago in my teens at a moment of realization. I had switched schools and was no longer a small fish in an ocean but a shark in a small pond. I was different I knew this going in. The people here were small minded with no real knowledge of what demons they would face in the outside world. On the day that all became clear to me was the day I was branded a monster.
Obviously I knew of my differences to these mere people. I understood terms and details of a forgotten age but was up to tempo on things variable to pop culture. In this scene I was the larger creature but as well I was the underdog. My passion was that of the unknown, the mysterious even the occult. In a small town and an even smaller school this marks you in infamy. My musical taste was that of shock rock and heavy metal. My peers saw this as something to be afraid of. I was questioned on my taste in all things including my sexuality. To them I was an oddity. Something that did not fit nor conform. My intellect was somewhat superior yet I did nothing to purposely draw attention to myself, except be myself.
Rumors started as they always do. When I was lonely I wrote. Since I knew no one too well at this point I was alone a lot and thus wrote a lot. Rumors spread of me being a Satanist and plotting the deaths of my fellow classmates. Things from animal sacrifices to being able to steal some ones soul by drinking their blood. The sad thing was it was not until these rumors had hit highest pitch that I ever said anything along those lines. Sarcasm was never taken properly. In this time I had found and lost love and found love anew. Yet due to my being labeled in such ways I always felt sorry for the loves I became entwined in as they were now victims of this mindlessness too.
I found solace in learning to play dumb and somewhat falling in with a crowd of people willing to live with the label of being a Monster friend. As the teenage years go though the drama always followed. From dates with broken hearts to loves moving away and finally the birth of sexual freedom. I'd love to say my virginity was given to someone who would cherish my memory and our time together, but to do that I would have had to pick someone who I felt had a heart. No I picked someone who was just short of falling into her own darkness. She was somewhat of a teenage harlot. No I'm not saying she was a whore directly. She didn't take money, no she took happiness. If she could turn your world upside down and you were miserable she was happy. Sadly this leads to my distrust of some women as I had trouble differentiating this harpy from a woman in love. She is the one who truly made me a Monster.
I shant give name as one does not deserve to know that they made me into the beast I am. They do not deserve the satisfaction of ruining a man to the point of aggression and brutality. Our tryst through teenage love was that of a farce or Dante's walk through hell. My innocence lost and my body painfully put to the test. I still have troubles finding a way back from the torment of my soul. It was through she that I began my decent into hell.
- Gui Sanmanos
Obviously I knew of my differences to these mere people. I understood terms and details of a forgotten age but was up to tempo on things variable to pop culture. In this scene I was the larger creature but as well I was the underdog. My passion was that of the unknown, the mysterious even the occult. In a small town and an even smaller school this marks you in infamy. My musical taste was that of shock rock and heavy metal. My peers saw this as something to be afraid of. I was questioned on my taste in all things including my sexuality. To them I was an oddity. Something that did not fit nor conform. My intellect was somewhat superior yet I did nothing to purposely draw attention to myself, except be myself.
Rumors started as they always do. When I was lonely I wrote. Since I knew no one too well at this point I was alone a lot and thus wrote a lot. Rumors spread of me being a Satanist and plotting the deaths of my fellow classmates. Things from animal sacrifices to being able to steal some ones soul by drinking their blood. The sad thing was it was not until these rumors had hit highest pitch that I ever said anything along those lines. Sarcasm was never taken properly. In this time I had found and lost love and found love anew. Yet due to my being labeled in such ways I always felt sorry for the loves I became entwined in as they were now victims of this mindlessness too.
I found solace in learning to play dumb and somewhat falling in with a crowd of people willing to live with the label of being a Monster friend. As the teenage years go though the drama always followed. From dates with broken hearts to loves moving away and finally the birth of sexual freedom. I'd love to say my virginity was given to someone who would cherish my memory and our time together, but to do that I would have had to pick someone who I felt had a heart. No I picked someone who was just short of falling into her own darkness. She was somewhat of a teenage harlot. No I'm not saying she was a whore directly. She didn't take money, no she took happiness. If she could turn your world upside down and you were miserable she was happy. Sadly this leads to my distrust of some women as I had trouble differentiating this harpy from a woman in love. She is the one who truly made me a Monster.
I shant give name as one does not deserve to know that they made me into the beast I am. They do not deserve the satisfaction of ruining a man to the point of aggression and brutality. Our tryst through teenage love was that of a farce or Dante's walk through hell. My innocence lost and my body painfully put to the test. I still have troubles finding a way back from the torment of my soul. It was through she that I began my decent into hell.
- Gui Sanmanos
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